Nishmat's Women’s Health and HalachaIn memory of Chaya Mirel bat R' Avraham

  • Hebrew
  • English
  • Espnaol
  • Francais
Menu

Discomfort with relations

7 May, 2017

Question:

I'm a recently married kallah and have some questions about relations. I do get aroused, etc., but I'm honestly finding it a pretty strange thing to do, and, well… very messy. It just doesn't seem worth the hassle. Any thoughts or advice?

Related, but more serious question: How often do couples usually have relations?


Answer:

The feelings you describe are not uncommon or unusual. Particularly people with sensory issues feel uncomfortable with the sensations of messy, sticky relations. However, usually the love, passion and the euphoric experience of two people physically uniting overrides these feelings of discomfort. You can try to minimize this discomfort by placing a towel on the bed to protect the sheets, and keeping a towel handy to wipe yourselves afterwards (the towels should be colored). You can also shower off afterwards. If you find these feelings are frequently holding you back from engaging in intimacy, it may be worthwhile to seek help from a sex counselor.

There is a very wide range of "normal" when it comes to the frequency of relations: nightly, every other night, a couple of times a week, once a week, or even less frequently. The Talmud discusses this question, and indicates that a Torah scholar should try to engage in relations once a week (on Shabbat). The important thing is for both spouses to be happy and satisfied with the frequency. Sometimes a husband and wife may have different expectations and desire regarding how often relations take place, and in that case it is important to be honest and discuss your preferences, and try to find a compromise.

Please feel free to get back to us with any further questions.

B'Hatzlacha!


This internet service does not preclude, override or replace the psak of any rabbinical authority. It is the responsibility of the questioner to inform us of any previous consultation or ruling. As even slight variation in circumstances may have Halachic consequences, views expressed concerning one case may not be applied to other, seemingly similar cases. All health and health-related information contained within Nishmat's Women's Health & Halacha Web site is intended to be general in nature and should not be used as a substitute for consulting with your health care professional. The advice is intended to offer a basis for individuals to discuss their medical condition with their health care provider but not individual advice. Although every effort is made to ensure that the material within Nishmat's Women's Health & Halacha Web site is accurate and timely, it is provided for the convenience of the Web site user but should not be considered official. Advice for actual medical practice should be obtained from a licensed health care professional.

For further questions or comments: 

The Nishmat Women's Health and Halacha Site is a public service of Nishmat, The Jeanie Schottenstein Center for Advanced Torah Study for Women. This project and others like it are made possible by contributions from people like you. If you have benefited from the service, and wish to enable us to help others, click here to donate.


Users of Internet filtering services: This site discusses sensitive subjects that some services filter without visual indication. A page that appears 100% complete might actually be missing critical Jewish-law or medical information. To ensure that you view the pages accurately, ask the filtering service to whitelist all pages under yoatzot.org.