Ask a Yoetzet
Golda Koschitzky Hotline
Significance of Intimacy
Judaism considers physical intimacy a vital element of the marital relationship. Though sexual intimacy is prohibited during niddah or an onat veset, it is celebrated at most other times, and not merely for the purpose of procreation. The Torah recognizes and promotes a married couple’s sexual relationship as a deep expression of their love and commitment.
Halacha restricts sexual relations to the covenantal relationship of marriage. Within marriage, sexual relations are considered a sacred expression of the couple’s exclusive relationship. A husband and wife are sexually committed to each other, and neither of them can unilaterally terminate their sexual relationship.
Mitzvat Onah
The Torah states that a husband is obligated in “onatah,” his wife’s onah, meaning regular intervals for sexual relations (Shemot 21:10). This mitzva calls for a husband to respond to his wife’s sexual needs with sensitivity. Ideally, she is responsive to his needs as well, with both dedicated to a mutually satisfying sexual relationship. However, neither spouse is obligated to have relations at a specific time or perform an intimate act against their will.
Halacha defines minimum intervals for onah. These range from once a day to once every six months, in accordance with the husband’s occupation and availability at home, as well as his health. Since onah is an obligation of a husband to his wife, a husband may not change occupation without his wife’s assent if this will affect her rights to onah. A wife may also waive her rights to onah if she so wishes.
Some halachic sources encourage a couple not to overindulge in sexual relations, but it is difficult to quantify this. These sources may be an expression of a certain ascetic stream in Judaism, less common today, or may be an instruction to avoid overly focusing on sexual relations, ignoring or neglecting other aspects of the couple’s relationship. In practice, the frequency of sexual relations varies from couple to couple, and for each couple over the course of their marriage. Communication regarding their sexual relationship and needs should be open and ongoing, with both partners expressing themselves and listening to one another.
Traditionally, certain occasions are singled out as opportune for mitzvat onah. These include Friday night, the night before a spouse departs alone for a journey, and mikveh night. While relations at these times are encouraged, a couple may feel that relations on a certain occasion is not right for them, and they can choose to defer.
For example, it is permissible for a couple to agree to delay relations until after mikveh night. This is generally preferable to delaying mikveh immersion because physical intimacies between a married couple, and not solely intercourse, are considered a mitzva and important for the marital relationship.
Aside from the strictures of niddah, Halacha leaves a couple with much leeway in developing a satisfying and meaningful sexual relationship.
