Ask a Yoetzet
Golda Koschitzky Hotline
by Dr. Judith Fogel
This article addresses sensitive issues around which communities have a wide range of approaches. The perspective offered here reflects increasingly common practice in many communities and, like the rest of the articles on yoatzot.org, was reviewed by our site’s Halachic Supervisor, Rav Kenneth Auman. Couples should not hesitate to clarify their communal practice with their Rabbanim and kallah and chatan teachers.
For a halachic discussion of the mitzva of onah, see here. For a halachic guide to to marital intimacy, see here.
Starting the Conversation
It is natural for a chatan and kallah to think about sexual matters before their marriage. For some couples, these topics are easy to discuss. Many couples, however, may feel awkward and uncomfortable speaking about them. Even thinking about sexuality may be new to the couple, and they may lack the language to articulate what they are thinking and feeling. These thoughts and feelings are also bound to change over time.
No matter where a couple is coming from, it can be significant, sometimes even crucial, to discuss some of their feelings, hopes, and expectations regarding their upcoming sexual relationship. This can be an important first step in navigating the world of sexuality together.
Often, chatan and kallah have already spoken with others about these matters, and have received a range of messages from media, friends, family, and their kallah and chatan teachers. It can help a couple to keep in mind that not all of the messages that they’ve received are necessarily constructive, or even true. Aligning their expectations and voicing feelings to each other as they approach the wedding can have a calming effect, helping them filter out the background noise and easing the process of embarking on a sexual relationship.
Discussing Family Planning
A first important step into this conversation may be discussing family planning, including whether and for how long to delay pregnancy. Contraception can also be relevant to setting the wedding date in a way that avoids chuppat niddah. (Learn more here.)
It is important to take into account the physical and mental health of both members of the couple when making decisions regarding contraception. At the same time, in choosing a specific method, the kallah’s voice has special weight because it directly affects her physically. Sharing decisions about contraception is part of taking mutual responsibility for their sexual relationship, and this is often the first major halachic question that they will have as a couple. (Learn more about the halachot of procreation and contraception here.)
Guidelines for Discussion
Halacha allows for an engaged couple to discuss sexual matters close to the wedding, as necessary, as long as they try to steer clear of conversation that would be deliberately arousing. A couple that is mindful may still find that excitement about each other makes arousal difficult to avoid. Even if the conversation winds up being arousing, that is natural, and it may even be comforting confirmation of finding one’s partner exciting.
Feelings of arousal are likely to develop once a couple engages physically with each other, even when they have not felt aroused prior to the wedding. However, if a chatan or kallah does not feel physically attracted prior to the wedding, it is advisable for them to discuss this with a counselling professional.
To prevent overstepping boundaries at this stage in their relationship, a couple can take extra care to have conversations about sexual intimacy in a location that is less intimate, whether outdoors or in a place where others can see them.
As they begin to develop their own style of communication about sexual intimacy, chatan and kallah should respect each other’s comfort levels, so that they can adjust to discussing sexual matters at their own pace.
A couple can take time to ensure that they understand each other, and slowly work on developing a shared language for discussing sexual intimacy. It can be important for a couple to choose the words they wish to use regarding sexuality together, so that they can speak the same language.
Sometimes, chatan and kallah teachers use Hebrew terms to refer to body parts. For example, they may refer to the vagina as the makom (place), the penis as the eivar (organ) and intercourse as tashmish or “the mitzva.” If the couple choose to use this language, it should be clear to both parties to which body parts and actions they are referring.
Any terms that the chatan and kallah choose are valid–whether traditional, biological, or of their own making–so long as these terms are clear and comfortable for both of them.
Past experiences
Couples may wish to share information about past sexual experiences, both positive and negative. Sharing may bring the couple closer and help them understand each other. While not sharing may seem appealing, it often just postpones addressing important issues to a later time. In general, the choice of exactly what and how to share is very individual and depends on multiple factors, especially the potential consequences for the relationship.
When choosing to share about a past experience during engagement, a general outline can often provide sufficient insight, and details can be kept to the minimum necessary.
A kallah who is not a betulah is typically halachically required to share that information with her chatan prior to the wedding. In this case, sharing should usually take place before engagement. In some unique situations, a kallah may be advised not to share.
If one of the partners has experienced sexual harassment, abuse, or an assault, sharing that information can be especially difficult. Though it is hard to know what, if any, effects the past experience could have in the future, sharing a general account of what happened and its impact can play an important role in helping a future spouse be more sensitive. At the same time, it is essential for the person who experienced the trauma to feel empowered to come to their own decision. When the decision about whether to share, or the sharing itself, proves overwhelming, it can be helpful to turn to a counseling professional. (See here for more on navigating intimacy after sexual abuse.)
Yichud Room
For many brides and grooms, the first physical encounter begins in the yichud room. The chatan and kallah may find it helpful to discuss expectations for the yichud room in advance.
Often, couples begin by exchanging gifts in the yichud room and taking something to eat or drink. The couple now have their first opportunity to touch, kiss, and embrace as husband and wife; more sexually intimate contact will typically wait until after the wedding festivities.
Couples can take their time easing into touch, being sure to check in with each other verbally.
Choosing a Place
A couple can benefit from discussing the type of place in which they wish to spend their first nights together. Some couples choose to go to a hotel, where everything is taken care of for them, clean, and more luxurious than home. Other couples are eager to enter their new home and prefer to begin their sexual life there.
There is no right answer, as long as the couple feels comfortable in the space. If they choose to go to a hotel, especially if it is not a kosher hotel, they should make sure to bring along food, including dinner, snacks and breakfast. (If they plan on attempting sexual relations at a hotel, then they may want to check if the beds can be separated, and bring along a colored towel or sheet.) If they decide to go home, it’s a good idea make sure the apartment is tidy, especially their bedroom, and that there is food in the fridge.
Either way, we encourage a couple to give some thought in advance to the kind of atmosphere that they would like to create. Little background touches, like music or soft lighting, can make a big difference, depending on what feels right to them.
Choosing a Time
Sexual relations are a central element of Jewish marriage. In talmudic times, it was assumed that a couple would have sexual relations within a few nights of getting married. Expectations that a couple will have sexual relations on their wedding night, or very soon thereafter, persist to this day.
At the same time, Halacha maintains that sexual relations should always be consensual and leaves room for a couple to take their time when it is important for their developing relationship. Additionally, there are potential costs to sexual relations taking place before both chatan and kallah feel ready. If one partner is nervous, hesitant, or fearful, or just feels that their body is not ready, then a couple should be patient and hold off on penetrative intercourse. Not waiting for both partners to be ready can be physically and emotionally hurtful.
Nowadays, there is growing awareness that male and female arousal play a pivotal role in making penetrative sexual relations comfortable for both partners. A feeling of intimate connection is conducive to arousal, and it can take time for this feeling to develop. Often, though not always, the man is sexually aroused before the woman, and the couple should keep this in mind.
Before the wedding, the couple can benefit from discussing their expectations regarding the timing of their first sexual encounter and their mutual hopes and hesitations. Each partner should try to understand and acknowledge each other’s perspectives and feelings.
While a couple can aim or even plan for specific timing, it is difficult to know in advance exactly when they will feel ready for intercourse, which might be sooner or later than planned. The wedding night in particular is often a time of physical and emotional exhaustion from the wedding and the planning leading up to it. Many couples collapse on entering their lodgings after the wedding, and find it impossible to try to have sexual relations just then, even when they initially planned to do so. Keeping this in mind, the couple can think through different possibilities for the wedding night.
Plans for the nights following the wedding may also change. Sometimes, working out the penetrative aspect of intercourse can take more time than expected. Alternatively, the couple may find themselves ready sooner that they had anticipated. Regardless, the couple should not put too much pressure on themselves, and try to be open to seeing where things lead.
Body Confidence
Our culture places an inordinate focus on body shape and size, especially for women. Many women (and some men) are nervous about sharing their bodies with their beloved partner, for fear that they will not live up to expectations.
It can be helpful for kallot and chatanim to share with each other that they have some fears and hesitations in this area, though it is often more constructive to talk through the specifics of these feelings with a close friend than with one’s future spouse. However, body acceptance cannot come from external reassurance such as conversation with each other or with close friends. People need to learn for themselves to love their own bodies.
The most helpful conversation about one’s own body can be a conversation with oneself. For example, a helpful exercise can be to look at one’s body in the mirror, finding positive things to say about its physical beauty, and trying to find seven positive things about it to every one negative statement.
Confidence in one’s body and in one’s attractiveness plays a greater role in sexual pleasure than a body’s actual appearance. The more the chatan and kallah are comfortable with their own bodies, as they are, the more they will be primed to enjoy their first sexual interactions.
In Closing
By communicating their feelings and responding to each other with trust and sensitivity, the new couple can set the tone for the future and create the foundations for their sexual relationship to develop positively over time.
Continue to Physical Preparation for Marital Intimacy—COMING SOON!
Dr. Judith Fogel is an AASECT certified Sex Counselor. She is a Nishmat-certified Yoetzet Halacha, a veteran kallah teacher, and the creator of The Eden Center’s innovative kallah curriculum, which is now disseminated worldwide. In addition, she is a prized lecturer in Talmud, Mishnah, and Halacha. Judith holds a PhD in Human Sexuality, an MA in Jewish History from Hebrew University, and a BA from Barnard College. She is an alumnus of the Midreshet Lindenbaum Bruriah Scholars Program.
