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A couple’s physical intimacy is a fundamental component of marriage. Please see our page on the mitzvah of onah for an in-depth discussion of mutual sexual commitment and satisfaction within marriage. For a guide for engaged couples and newlyweds preparing for marital intimacy, see here. For a discussion of intimacy after mastectomy, oophorectomy, or hysterectomy, see here.
This page presents more specific halachic guidelines regarding the context of marital intimacy. Marital relations II presents guidelines for its more physical aspects.
Physical intimacy between husband and wife takes many forms – and does not begin and end in the bedroom. Day-to-day interactions, such as hugs, hand-holding, a light hand on the shoulder, or a back rub, can help integrate touch into a couple’s relationship. Expressions of physical closeness can reinforce emotional closeness and communicate mutual affection, concern, support, and tenderness.
Halacha allows for a wide range of physical expressions of a married couple’s love for one another. At the same time, the Talmud includes a number of statements regarding the conduct of marital relations. Some authorities consider these to be halachically binding, while others view them more as general guidelines or good advice. These guidelines are meant to help a couple’s physical relationship develop into a loving, respectful, and mutually satisfying expression of their sacred bond.
There are many opinions regarding how to weigh these guidelines in practice. This page presents the halachic positions of our founding halachic supervisor, Rav Yehuda Henkin ztz”l, and our current halachic supervisor, Rav Kenneth Auman.
Core Principles
Halachic establishes four major requirements for sexual relations:
- The couple is sexually permitted to each other, i.e. married and not in the niddah period.
- The couple is in a private space. A room in which a child is sleeping, or in which a very young child who does not yet speak is awake, is considered sufficiently private for relations.
- Relations are consensual, and neither partner feels compelled to do anything that is objectionable to them. This could be disrespectful and even hurtful, and may be a violation of “bal teshaketzu,” the prohibition of doing revolting things.
- The couple intend for ejaculation to take place vaginally, with possible exceptions (see here) – in observance of the halacha of hotza’at zera levatalah, spilling seed.
Thoughts and Fantasies
Men and women naturally have some sexual thoughts from time to time, and this is permissible.
However, both men and women are prohibited from deliberately “straying” after their eyes and hearts, namely engaging in sexual fantasy outside of the conjugal relationship. The marital relationship is the sanctioned context for exploring sexual fantasy.
Context
Since marital relations are meant to express and reinforce the love between husband and wife, a couple should strive to engage in relations at times when their relationship is harmonious and they are mentally focused on each other.
Communication
It is permissible for both husband and wife to express interest in sexual relations verbally. Preferably this should be done in an indirect rather than an explicit manner, in a way that is comfortable and effective for them.
Sexual relations themselves are a form of communication. Verbal communication can be especially important in ensuring that a given type of touch is agreeable to both spouses.
Talking is permissible at every stage of relations, as long it is related to the act of intimacy. This includes expressions of affection, which can highlight the significance of intimacy for the couple’s relationship. The couple should take care that others outside their bedroom do not hear them during relations.
Foreplay and Afterplay
Physical intimacy is not limited to the act of intercourse. Foreplay and afterplay are encouraged, and are a fulfillment of the mitzva of onah.
Timing and Lighting
It is preferable to have relations at night, when there may be fewer distractions, both visual and audial. Mystical sources also ascribe a certain holiness to nighttime relations.
Daytime relations are permitted, however, so long as the room is darkened (as with heavy curtains or blinds). A room does not have to be pitch black for relations; even at night it is permissible to have some indirect light, not shining directly on the couple, from an adjacent space such as a closet.
A light may be on during foreplay, and the couple may choose the point at which they are comfortable turning down the lights.
Coverage
It is permissible to be fully unclothed and uncovered until intercourse.
There are opinions that the couple should be covered at least from the waist down by a sheet or blanket during the actual act of intercourse, and that they should be fully unclothed underneath. However, the Shulchan Aruch does not specify any prohibition in this area. Lingerie or any sort of clothing that makes a couple more comfortable (or excited) is fully permissible.
Sifrei kodesh and tefillin should not be in the bedroom while the couple is having relations, or should be within two covers (e.g., inside a bag inside a drawer). Some authorities count a book’s cover as one of the coverings. If one relies on this view, it is sufficient to place a book inside a drawer, or to cover bookshelves with a sheet. This requirement applies specifically to relations and not to foreplay.
