Ask a Yoetzet
Golda Koschitzky Hotline
In Marital Relations I, we discuss the key guidelines regarding the context of sexual intimacy in marriage. In this article, we turn our attention to the more physical aspects.
Both articles follow the views of our founding rabbi, Rav Yehuda H. Henkin ztz”l and of our current site rabbi, Rav Kenneth Auman. N.B., Elements of this piece are explicit.
While sexual satisfaction is ideally found through marital intimacy, there is no prohibition on a woman manually stimulating herself, at any stage of life, regardless of whether she is in niddah. A woman should consider potential effects on her marital relationship (present or future).
Sometimes, female masturbation can be beneficial for a couple, whether as part of a course of therapy or integrated into their marital relations.
There is a prohibition on deliberately engaging in sexual fantasy outside the marriage relationship, see here.
There is a general requirement (see more here) that relations be consensual, and that neither partner should feel compelled to do anything they find uncomfortable or objectionable.
Traditional sources espouse a preference for the man to be above the woman and the couple to be facing one another. Other positions in which the couple are face to face are typically looked upon favorably, as this reflects the attention and sensitivity to which the couple should aspire. However, any mutually agreeable position for vaginal intercourse is permissible.
Purposeful ejaculation of semen, hotza’at zera, is generally permitted only in the context of vaginal intercourse (or occasionally with anal intercourse, see below). Otherwise, ejaculation may violate the prohibition of hotza’at zera levatalah, wasting of seed.
A couple should take hotza’at zera levatalah into account in making decisions about sexual activity so that it does not take place casually or deliberately. At the same time, it is understood that some semen typically comes out prior to ejaculation and that sometimes ejaculation outside of the vagina happens accidentally, and these are not considered a transgression.
A couple do not need to engage in relations solely out of concern that hotza’at zera might otherwise take place unintentionally. Likewise, a couple can proceed with relations at a pace that is comfortable for them, without rushing to reach penetration in order to avoid unintentional ejaculation beforehand.
See here for a discussion of navigating this issue in cases of sexual pain disorder, and here for a discussion of hotza’at zera and semen collection for fertility evaluation or treatment.
Manual and oral stimulation by the wife on her husband may be permitted as long as the couple make an effort to cease the stimulation before ejaculation, so that ejaculation can take place vaginally.
Manual stimulation by the husband of his wife is encouraged if it enhances onah. There is disagreement concerning a husband’s looking at or orally stimulating his wife within the outer lips of the vagina. Rema on Shulchan Aruch Even HaEzer 25:2, based on Rambam Issurei Biah 25:9, would seem to permit it. On the other hand, the Shulchan Aruch in Orah Hayyim 240 prohibits it, out of concern for bal teshaktzu, the prohibition against doing revolting things.
Rav Henkin suggested that the definition of bal teshaktzu may change with time. Given that the permissibility of oral stimulation of a woman is subject to debate and that this type of stimulation may no longer be considered bal teshaktzu, Rav Henkin argued that there was a basis to permit oral contact and looking at the vagina. (See also “Torat Emet,” p. 111.)
According to some opinions, anal relations may also be permitted on an occasional basis, even with ejaculation. Since this matter is subject to debate, our founding halachic supervisor, Rav Yehuda H. Henkin, permitted anal intercourse with ejaculation about once a month. Anal relations can be painful for the woman, however. This must be taken into account, and a woman should not be pressured into having anal relations.
During intercourse, a couple should focus on each other and on sensitively responding to one another’s needs and desires. Erotica and pornography involving anyone, real or fictional, other than one’s spouse are generally prohibited. A married couple can choose to create their own erotica with and about each other.
There is no halachic constraint on using sex toys, as long as a couple is aware of hotza’at zera levatalah.
