Nishmat's Women’s Health and HalachaIn memory of Chaya Mirel bat R' Avraham

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Newlyweds: difficulty avoiding touch

12 January, 2005
Question:

Hi! My husband and I are married five months. Everything is great – except that we seem to have a lot of trouble keeping the harchakot. We do understand that it's important not to touch at all during this period, and we're really trying – but sometimes it seems like we just need a hug and our emotions get the better of us. Could you offer any guidance or advice to help us overcome our difficulties with this? Thank you!


Answer:

Your question reflects the difficulties that many couples face in the beginning of marriage.  It is a good sign for your relationship that you find these halachot challenging.  Many couples have similar difficulties, especially as newlyweds.

Your letter comes at an opportune time, since the beginning of married life is the best time to establish patterns we wish to keep.  The two of you should work together, when you are still tehorah, to devise a plan for making each other feel loved without crossing halachic lines.  Think through the steps you would take as concretely as possible. Support each other in sticking to the plan and discuss the challenges together.

These halachot are difficult.  Don't get too discouraged by failures — that's what teshuvah is for.  Working together to keep the halachot can itself remind you how much you care for each other and develop your relationship's other strengths.

Please note that our credentials are halachic and these tips should not be construed as professional level counsel. 

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