Nishmat's Women’s Health and HalachaIn memory of Chaya Mirel bat R' Avraham

  • Hebrew
  • English
  • Espnaol
  • Francais
  • donate

Togetherness and scheduling conflicts

31 January, 2005


What is the appropriate conduct when the husband or wife wants to travel either the night when she's due to toivel or during her permitted days? For example, if one of them wants to visit family out of town to attend a Torah type weekend? Given the cycle of (at least) 12 days off, 16 days (give or take) on?

What about going out for the evening? For example – given the fact that I was so tired during the week, pretty much all we had was our weekends – and if my husband wanted to go to a melaveh malkah or simcha and come back late, I felt "cheated", since I'd obviously not have the attention I'd want.

Are my feelings appropriate? Thanks.


There is nothing inappropriate when it comes to feelings. The most important rule is that a husband and wife should be in agreement and in sync with fulfilling each other's needs. Some couples prefer to be spontaneous, and some sit down and create a schedule, so that they can make sure to devote appropriate time and energy to their marital life, despite scheduling challenges. 

The mitzva of onah is an obligation on the husband to satisfy his wife's needs. However, ideally the couple should agree on times when they both feel comfortable and willing. I suggest you discuss your feelings with your husband in advance of events or other obligations, and see how you could get around these difficulties. You might suggest leaving the party a little earlier rather than not attending at all, or making sure you have some private time together prior to other activities. 

Onah is a special mitzvah not only on mikveh night, but also on Friday nights and on the night preceding a trip by the husband or by the wife during the wife's permitted days.

This internet service does not preclude, override or replace the psak of any rabbinical authority. It is the responsibility of the questioner to inform us of any previous consultation or ruling. As even slight variation in circumstances may have Halachic consequences, views expressed concerning one case may not be applied to other, seemingly similar cases. All health and health-related information contained within Nishmat's Women's Health & Halacha Web site is intended to be general in nature and should not be used as a substitute for consulting with your health care professional. The advice is intended to offer a basis for individuals to discuss their medical condition with their health care provider but not individual advice. Although every effort is made to ensure that the material within Nishmat's Women's Health & Halacha Web site is accurate and timely, it is provided for the convenience of the Web site user but should not be considered official. Advice for actual medical practice should be obtained from a licensed health care professional.

For further questions or comments: 

The Nishmat Women's Health and Halacha Site is a public service of Nishmat, The Jeanie Schottenstein Center for Advanced Torah Study for Women. This project and others like it are made possible by contributions from people like you. If you have benefited from the service, and wish to enable us to help others, click here to donate.

Users of Internet filtering services: This site discusses sensitive subjects that some services filter without visual indication. A page that appears 100% complete might actually be missing critical Jewish-law or medical information. To ensure that you view the pages accurately, ask the filtering service to whitelist all pages under

Accessibility Toolbar