Nishmat's Women’s Health and HalachaIn memory of Chaya Mirel bat R' Avraham

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Daf yomi conflict

13 April, 2005

Question:

My husband started learning Daf Yomi and the shiur is every single day, as I'm sure you know. It's at night, and by the time he comes home, I'm fast asleep. Every night. Is it fair to me to complain that my needs are not being fulfilled or am I supposed to be happy that he's learning?

I even had to come home to an empty house after mikva night. He said it was my choice, that he would stay home, but how can I ask him not to learn? I managed to stay up then, but it wasn't easy.

It means we only have Friday nights together, and often I'm tired then too! As an aside, we're married almost 20 years, and we have big kids. I work full time and taking naps aren't a part of that. I really feel like I am missing out.

Speaking of missing out, I have my own busy life – I like to help friends, go to simchas, and shiurim. I'm not just sitting around either.

How can you advise me? Thanks.


Answer:

Providing opportunities for marital relations is also a halachic obligation (see Shulchan Aruch Orach Chayim 240:1), so do not feel guilty about having your legitimate needs take precedence over a shiur. This is particularly true on mikveh night.

Perhaps your husband could find another daf yomi shiur at a more convenient time, such as lunchtime or before or after Shacharit.  If not, he might be able to find a chevruta with whom he could schedule a better time to learn a few days a week, while going to the shiur the other nights.  Or he could learn a daf independently when necessary (maybe with Steinsaltz or Artscroll, or see www.dafyomi.co.il for online learning aids.)  Regardless, you should be open with each other about your concerns and try to reach a solution together.


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