Kissed and touched while niddah
19 April, 2005
Question:My husband and I have been married for 10 months, and during this time we have strictly kept to the hilchot nidah. This month, during the seven clean days, we were talking before falling asleep – as we usually do – (our beds completely detach from one another, but are in the same bedroom) and eventually the conversation turned sexual. Despite efforts to stop the conversation, it eventually led to my husband sitting on my bed, which then led to kissing and other inappropriate niddah behavior. We both feel completely guilty, but at the time we were out of control. What does this mean as far as counting clean days and going to the mikveh are concerned? And how can we prevent this happening again, or even worse – going all the way?
-Concerned
Answer:Our sages displayed great wisdom in instituting the harchakot. Sexual conversations, a husband sitting on his wife's bed, and all forms of touching are prohibited during niddah for good reason. Baruch Hashem, you were able to stop yourselves in time. However, kissing and hugging short of relations is a Torah prohibition when niddah, according to many opinions.
In the absence of sexual relations, your counting and date for the mikveh remain unchanged. You might want to consult a rabbi or scholar who knows you or your community for guidance on performing teshuvah.
You should both review the laws of harchakot together and commit yourselves to observing them scrupulously. You might wish to agree on a specific plan of action (such as one of you leaving the room, saying a perek of tehillim, whatever works) by which you can stop yourselves in the future. You can do it!
Please do not hesitate to write back with any further questions.
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