Nishmat's Women’s Health and HalachaIn memory of Chaya Mirel bat R' Avraham

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Non-virgin bride

12 September, 2006


Hi. My daughter is a baalat teshuva and is getting married with another baal teshuva this coming month. She has told her chatan that she is not a "virgin" since she had one experience before. She doesnt want to tell this to her Rabbi, nor her Rebbetzin, and I understand. The problem she is facing now is how does she do the counting?? When should she go to the mikveh?
Thanks for your prompt answer.


Mazal tov on the upcoming wedding!

As long as she has told her chatan about her sexual experience, your daughter is not required to tell the Rabbi or Rebbetzin. 

She can schedule her wedding in the same way as any new kallah and should seek her rebbetzin's advice in doing so.  The difference is that she is permitted to have physical contact (including relations) with her chatan after the first act of relations until she reaches an onat veset or becomes niddah.  The first complete act of relations will not itself render her niddah.

We suggest that she still schedule the wedding as she would have otherwise.  The difference then would be a little added flexibility and time prior to becoming niddah.  We also suggest that she observe the harchakot (restrictions on conduct that apply during niddah) in public during sheva berachot to preserve her privacy.

Please share this with your daughter and encourage her to contact us directly in the future.

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