Nishmat's Women’s Health and HalachaIn memory of Chaya Mirel bat R' Avraham

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Easing into intimacy postpartum

21 May, 2009
Question:

I just came back from the mikvah after having a baby and waiting over a year and half to be with my husband. I couldn't have sex while I was pregnant and then had problems becoming tahor after the baby until now (she's almost 5 months::) I knew my husband would be excited to see me and be with me but all I have felt all day is dread. I am a nervous wreck and I just want more time and more days to ease into just with touching and stuff. I explained this to him and he said he understood but I can tell he is deeply disappointed. Am I doing something wrong in just needing some more time to be used to being out of the niddah state for more than 1 hour??


Answer:

Mazal tov on the recent birth of your baby!

We are so sorry to hear of your difficult situation. It is very common for women to need some time to ease back into relations postpartum. Aside from the possible physical discomfort that may be a deterrent, after having a long period of separation it is normal to experience some anxiety and nervousness about intercourse.

It is important for you to continue to be open and honest with your husband. It is understandable that he is disappointed and you should try to be sensitive to his needs. You should be sure to express your love and commitment to him, and to make it clear that you are not rejecting him, but need a little more time without rushing into intercourse.

You should also make extra efforts to spend time with him and make your emotional and physical relationship a priority right now. Hire a babysitter and spend a romantic evening out together. Make sure to include non-sexual touch in your day to day routine. Work your way up to sensual touch – hugging, massage, kissing. It can help to mentally prepare yourself for intimacy – visualizing the two of you being together and enjoying the time together. We hope these suggestions will prove helpful to you. 

If you continue to experience staining issues, please review our articles on staining, since not all staining will render a woman niddah or invalidate the clean days. You should take care to wear colored underwear and avoid looking at toilet paper immediately after urinating to avoid becoming niddah unnecessarily from further staining.

We wish you much hatzlacha! 

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