Nishmat's Women’s Health and HalachaIn memory of Chaya Mirel bat R' Avraham

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Anger at mitzvah

28 June, 2013

Question:

I am B'h married for almost 3 years and have a charming 1 year old son. I am FFB and love all Mitzvahs, that is exept for Hilchos Niddah. I have found myself being extremely angry at this Mitzvah and it is really affecting my relationship with Hashem as well as my own Shalom Bayis. It does not seem logical that the closest person I live with, has to be treated as a complete stranger, at least in terms of physical touching, around half the time of each month. So many of my much–needed vacation plans were shattered because of unexpected periods that showed up. I feel I'm at the end of the rope and I know I need to do something about it. I just found your website online and I pray that this should help me start the healing process… I am willing to work on myself but need the guidance and ability to vent my anger and questions to someone that could answer them. If you could help me, you are surely saving my marriage. I appreciate your time, effort and desire to help.


Answer:

We are sorry to hear of your frustration with taharat hamishpacha. Please know that you are not the first, nor will you be the last, to express these feelings. Many women find the laws of niddah to be quite challenging.

The most important piece of advice we can offer you is to make your relationship with your husband, particularly when you are niddah, your top priority. Building a strong emotional connection can help tide you over during the niddah period despite the absence of physical touch. Many couples find a deep emotional bond to be truly satisfying, and as strong – if not stronger – than a physical bond. Here are some suggestions of ways you can work on your relationship during the niddah period: write sweet notes to each other, send texts or call regularly during the day just to check in, make a special dinner, get each other small gifts, compliment each other, smile at each other, go for a walk together, tell each other all the little things you appreciate about your spouse, etc. You should sit down with your husband and discuss ways each of you can make your spouse feel more cherished and loved.

Another suggestion (if you are using combined hormonal birth control) is to speak to your doctor about extending your cycles by taking two packs of birth control back to back. This would give you more time together while tehorah in between your niddah periods. You may feel less frustrated by the niddah period if you experience it less frequently. (As an aside, if you are using this type of contraception, you can manipulate your cycle to ensure you are tehorah for vacations. If you are not using contraception, you can speak to your doctor about temporary use of hormones to manipulate your cycle.)

We hope these suggestions prove helpful. If you would like to meet with a yoetzet to further discuss this issue, please let us know where you are located and we can try to make a referral.

We wish you much hatzlacha!


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