Stain found after relations
24 July, 2014
I have a question that occurred eight months ago and is giving me no rest.
I was staining – not having a full flow yet. I was going away on holidays that night and asked my rav what to do. He said that I should wipe myself externally before having relations.
That night before having relations, I wiped myself externally, and it came out slightly pink. I have on numerous occasions shown that colour to my rav, and he said it was fine. He tends to say that only red, red or black causes one to be nidda. On this occasion, being that we were away, we decided (mistakenly) to rely on our own judgment, and go ahead and have relations. After relations we decided to have a shower to wash away any traces, and to prevent us finding any stains. Unfortunately one of us must have dripped on a white bath mat on the floor. It was an orange/ red colour – i think larger than a gris, but not sure.
We didn't sleep in the same bed, hug or kiss that night anymore. The following day was one of my onos of separation. I made a bedika and became nidda. I've been feeling horrible since that episode, thinking that I was together when nidda. I have three questions:
Was I nidda when we had relations?
If I was nidda, was it b'shogeg or b'maizid?
I tried my best to do teshuva since then – I gave money to tzedaka, davened, and made a decision to ALWAYS ask a rav and never rely on my own judgment, and to abstain from being together if I am staining till it can be ruled either way. Is this teshuva sufficient?
Just one more point, I became pregnant two weeks later, and then had a miscarriage at 15 weeks. I've been looking at that episode as a punishment over this holiday saga. Is that a wrong view to have?
Thank you so much!
We are sorry to hear of your miscarriage and your hard feelings.
Based on what you write, your actions prior to relations were in line with your rav's halachic rulings. Since it was likely larger than a gris, the stain on the mat did make you niddah, and the two of you acted accordingly. Since it was found after you had gotten up from relations, the stain does not halachically establish that you were niddah during relations.
In other words, you were not niddah during relations, so you need not perform teshuvah for that prohibition. (You were neither b'shogeg (inadvertent) nor b'meizid (deliberate).) There are no grounds to see your miscarriage as punishment here.
Acts of teshuvah, such as tefillah and tzedakah, are always valued. In general, we do recommend that women abstain from relations when staining, as a precaution against close calls such as these. You should not feel bad about being unaware of this type of recommendation, as it is not strictly required by halachah.
We hope this helps you move forward. Please write back with any further questions.
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