Nishmat's Women’s Health and HalachaIn memory of Chaya Mirel bat R' Avraham

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Tension during niddah

12 June, 2003
Question:

Thank you for having such an informative website and offering such important help. I am newlywed ba’alat-tshuva, age 33. My husband and I are having terrible fights while I am niddah. I had hoped that this time would strengthen and deepen our love. Now I am disappointed. Do you have any help or suggestion?


Answer:

Stress between husband and wife while the wife is niddah is not unusual. While it can be a time when the couple can concentrate on the non-physical side of their marriage, in reality the lack of physical contact can be very challenging and distancing. This may be especially true for some newlyweds. The two of you should sit down together when you are not niddah, when you are both well-rested and calm, and try to discuss what seems to be leading you to fights during these times.

it is important to plan ways to positively connect when physical forms of expression are not available. Make sure you have time for meaningful conversation and to enjoy each others company, sharing activities that bring you together as a couple. Perhaps this would be easier if you went out together.  A pro-active approach to the niddah time can shift the experience so that indeed you will strengthen your bond. Of course, the harchakot must be observed, and one should avoid anything that may lead to physical intimacy.

We also suggest focusing on extra sensitivity and kindness, since the lack of touch and physical connection can feel very off-putting. Verbal expressions of love, support, and appreciation, as well as thoughtful gestures and even small gifts, can help bring you closer emotionally, despite the lack of physical affection.

If you don’t succeed on your own in devising ways to avoid these fights and better coping with the niddah time, it would be a good idea to discuss what is happening with an advisor such as your rabbi, kallah teacher, marital therapist or other professional.

This response was updated 6 August, 2023.

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