How can I recover emotionally from a traumatic miscarriage when my husband can’t even hold my hand?

We are sorry to hear of your miscarriage, and of your feelings of trauma, resentment, and misery. And we are sorry to read that you feel that physical separation during niddah exacerbates these issues.

Sometimes, it is hard to feel that there is any replacement for touch, and that emotional support can come in a different way. And during times of acute distress, it is understandable to feel that the halachot add to distress.

It sounds as though the person whom you love most in the world has been an amazing caregiver and listener, and has effectively found ways to show you love and emotional support even without touch.

If you haven’t yet, you might find it helpful to discuss with your husband how you are feeling about touch–and to hear his perspective.

We strongly encourage a couple going through acute trauma to widen their circle of support so that they have different channels to provide physical support like hugs. This step can enable the couple to meet their physical needs for emotional support and to appreciate more fully what they can offer each other until they can reunite physically.

Is there a close friend or family member who knows about the situation and can be there to hold you? If there isn’t yet, is there one with whom you can share what happened who can play that role? This is important even for women who reach the mikveh quickly after pregnancy loss. Family and community can also provide practical support, and may have important insight to share from their own experiences.

Be”H, you will not spend too much longer in niddah, and after mikveh, your husband’s physical support will resume as well.

Halachically, please review the laws of stains (see here) because not all bleeding precludes counting the clean days and reaching the mikveh. Even a hefsek taharah need not be completely clear, and should be evaluated on the chance that it is acceptable. (If you’d like to share your location, we can try to make a local referral.)

We also encourage you to share more details with us about the hematoma, its size at ultrasound and position, in case that becomes relevant moving forward.

On a medical note, we consulted a gynecologist who replied that ongoing bleeding from the hematoma is not assured, as it might heal or be absorbed more quickly than you fear. She also suggested reaching out to your physician to see if Cytotec or another intervention would help you in this situation.

We wish you a refuah sheleimah, refuat hanefesh and refuat haguf, a complete healing of body and soul.

Please let us know if we can be of further assistance.