Nishmat's Women’s Health and HalachaIn memory of Chaya Mirel bat R' Avraham

  • Hebrew
  • English
  • Espnaol
  • Francais
  • donate
Menu

Fights and stress on mikveh night

5 June, 2023

Question:

My husband is not supportive when it comes to keeping taharat hamishpacha. I feel like he gets into fights with me on mikvah night, which causes us not to be together. We’ve been married over 15 years, and I can’t remember even one mikvah night that worked out positively. Separation during niddah isn’t the problem. It’s mikveh night that makes him upset (he’s stated that the “timing” doesn’t work out). I’m getting discouraged about taharat hamishpacha since it causes so much stress. What should we do?


Answer:

Thank you for reaching out to us.

We appreciate the sensitive nature of this question, and are sorry to hear that mikveh nights are so difficult for you and your husband, and that he is not supportive in general of your niddah observance.

We appreciate your commitment to observing these halachot even though they have become associated with stress in your marriage. Rest assured that keeping these laws has independent value, just like observing any mitzvot.

If we understand you correctly, your husband finds mikveh night upsetting because it is difficult for him to have relations dictated by a halachic calendar. (Please correct us if we have misunderstood.)

Although there is halachic support for having relations on mikveh night, it is not strictly obligatory. A couple can agree to postpone relations.

Perhaps some of the stresses and fights could be alleviated by letting your husband know that you have immersed, but that you don’t need to have relations until it works well for the two of you.

With less pressure to have relations on mikveh night, perhaps you could refocus and find a different way to enjoy the evening together in a way that builds your feeling of connection. This might also leave room for looking more clearly at any other ways in which observing these halachot has been a challenge, for either of you.

If you find that the issues go beyond mikveh, you might find it helpful to seek out professional counseling. Referrals to religiously observant counseling professionals can be found at nefesh.org.

Please let us know if we can be of any further assistance.


This internet service does not preclude, override or replace the psak of any rabbinical authority. It is the responsibility of the questioner to inform us of any previous consultation or ruling. As even slight variation in circumstances may have Halachic consequences, views expressed concerning one case may not be applied to other, seemingly similar cases. All health and health-related information contained within Nishmat's Women's Health & Halacha Web site is intended to be general in nature and should not be used as a substitute for consulting with your health care professional. The advice is intended to offer a basis for individuals to discuss their medical condition with their health care provider but not individual advice. Although every effort is made to ensure that the material within Nishmat's Women's Health & Halacha Web site is accurate and timely, it is provided for the convenience of the Web site user but should not be considered official. Advice for actual medical practice should be obtained from a licensed health care professional.

For further questions or comments: 

The Nishmat Women's Health and Halacha Site is a public service of Nishmat, The Jeanie Schottenstein Center for Advanced Torah Study for Women. This project and others like it are made possible by contributions from people like you. If you have benefited from the service, and wish to enable us to help others, click here to donate.


Users of Internet filtering services: This site discusses sensitive subjects that some services filter without visual indication. A page that appears 100% complete might actually be missing critical Jewish-law or medical information. To ensure that you view the pages accurately, ask the filtering service to whitelist all pages under yoatzot.org.


Accessibility Toolbar