Nishmat's Women’s Health and HalachaIn memory of Chaya Mirel bat R' Avraham

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Fights and stress on mikveh night

5 June, 2023


My husband is not supportive when it comes to keeping taharat hamishpacha. I feel like he gets into fights with me on mikvah night, which causes us not to be together. We’ve been married over 15 years, and I can’t remember even one mikvah night that worked out positively. Separation during niddah isn’t the problem. It’s mikveh night that makes him upset (he’s stated that the “timing” doesn’t work out). I’m getting discouraged about taharat hamishpacha since it causes so much stress. What should we do?


Thank you for reaching out to us.

We appreciate the sensitive nature of this question, and are sorry to hear that mikveh nights are so difficult for you and your husband, and that he is not supportive in general of your niddah observance.

We appreciate your commitment to observing these halachot even though they have become associated with stress in your marriage. Rest assured that keeping these laws has independent value, just like observing any mitzvot.

If we understand you correctly, your husband finds mikveh night upsetting because it is difficult for him to have relations dictated by a halachic calendar. (Please correct us if we have misunderstood.)

Although there is halachic support for having relations on mikveh night, it is not strictly obligatory. A couple can agree to postpone relations.

Perhaps some of the stresses and fights could be alleviated by letting your husband know that you have immersed, but that you don’t need to have relations until it works well for the two of you.

With less pressure to have relations on mikveh night, perhaps you could refocus and find a different way to enjoy the evening together in a way that builds your feeling of connection. This might also leave room for looking more clearly at any other ways in which observing these halachot has been a challenge, for either of you.

If you find that the issues go beyond mikveh, you might find it helpful to seek out professional counseling. Referrals to religiously observant counseling professionals can be found at

Please let us know if we can be of any further assistance.

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