Nishmat's Women’s Health and HalachaIn memory of Chaya Mirel bat R' Avraham

  • Hebrew
  • English
  • Espnaol
  • Francais
  • donate
Menu

Husband doesn’t want more children

26 August, 2020

Question:

I am writing as I am extremely bothered and don’t know who to talk to. I am upset that my husband doesn’t want more children. We have a son and daughter who are 8 and 10. As far as my husband is concerned we have fulfilled our halachik obligation of having one of each. He said he can’t face going through the baby stage again and is quite happy now our children are older.

Do I need to get a heter from a Rabbi to stay on the pill? My husband really doesn’t want to ask for a heter. I think it’s because he’s afraid the Rabbi will say no.

I feel our intimacy is very poor. If I accidentally miss a pill, he’s not interested. He’s so against having more children. I’m 36, and the older I get the more sad I feel about this. Do I really have to keep taking the contraceptive pill until menopause? Is it wrong of me to try change my husband’s mind? Should I just be grateful that we have 2 healthy and beautiful children?


Answer:

It is important for both spouses to be on the same page about issues as important as family size. While your husband is adamant about not having more children, this is a decision that the two of you must come to together. It is not wrong of you to want more children, or for you to try to change his mind. However, it is unclear whether this factor alone is causing stress in your intimate life, or if there are other issues in your marriage as well. Therefore, we highly recommend seeking professional help to work through these issues. Even if your husband is still insistent on not having any more children, marital counseling can help you make peace with that decision, and can enable you to work on issues causing tension in your marriage.

From a halachic perspective, since you have a son and a daughter, you have fulfilled the Torah commandment of Pru U’rvu. While there is a rabbinic commandment to continue having children, given the shalom bayit issues involved, you may use birth control indefinitely.

However, even if you and your husband ultimately agree not to have more children, you do not have to be on the pill until menopause. There are other non-hormonal long-term methods of contraception (such as the IUD or the diaphragm with spermicide), which can be discussed with your doctor.

Please feel free to get back to us with any further questions.

B’Hatzlacha!


This internet service does not preclude, override or replace the psak of any rabbinical authority. It is the responsibility of the questioner to inform us of any previous consultation or ruling. As even slight variation in circumstances may have Halachic consequences, views expressed concerning one case may not be applied to other, seemingly similar cases. All health and health-related information contained within Nishmat's Women's Health & Halacha Web site is intended to be general in nature and should not be used as a substitute for consulting with your health care professional. The advice is intended to offer a basis for individuals to discuss their medical condition with their health care provider but not individual advice. Although every effort is made to ensure that the material within Nishmat's Women's Health & Halacha Web site is accurate and timely, it is provided for the convenience of the Web site user but should not be considered official. Advice for actual medical practice should be obtained from a licensed health care professional. For further questions or comments:  The Nishmat Women's Health and Halacha Site is a public service of Nishmat, The Jeanie Schottenstein Center for Advanced Torah Study for Women. This project and others like it are made possible by contributions from people like you. If you have benefited from the service, and wish to enable us to help others, click here to donate.

Users of Internet filtering services: This site discusses sensitive subjects that some services filter without visual indication. A page that appears 100% complete might actually be missing critical Jewish-law or medical information. To ensure that you view the pages accurately, ask the filtering service to whitelist all pages under yoatzot.org.

Accessibility Toolbar