Nishmat's Women’s Health and HalachaIn memory of Chaya Mirel bat R' Avraham

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Marital tension after miscarriage

29 February, 2020
Question:

I am married 6 months. I had a miscarriage 2 months ago, at 11 weeks. My husband and I are finding it difficult as we have only had a week and a half together since. Baruch Hashem my body is recovering and I have my period now. I am having difficulty in being reassured by my husband when I am in niddah. I have a lot on my plate right now with school and work. I hope to be going to the mikveh in a week. Right now things in my marriage are tense and I am wondering if you can help me untense things. Thank You


Answer:

Mazal tov on your recent marriage!

We are sorry to hear of your miscarriage, and the tension you are experiencing in your marriage. Unfortunately, many women find the niddah period and the harchakot challenging in the beginning of marriage, and especially with the additional stress you are experiencing due to the miscarriage and other factors, we empathize with the difficult time you are going through. Often, with time and practice, these laws become easier to manage.

We hope you will be able to immerse soon and that will ease some of the tension, but in the meantime, take advantage of the opportunity you have to improve your relationship in non-physical ways. Ending a fight with a hug and a kiss is nice and sweet, but the real challenge is to develop good communication skills to resolve issues when you can’t hug and kiss (or even when you can!). The emotional side of your relationship needs to be nurtured and worked on, now more than ever.

Try to find a time when you and your husband are calm and on good terms, and talk about the difficulties you are experiencing. See if there are ways you can help each other ease particular stress factors.

Make it a priority to spend time together daily. Go out for a date or even just a walk together. If you find it too difficult to go out, sit down together and discuss your day. Try to regularly incorporate small actions to enhance your relationship – calling each other during the day, small gifts, thoughtful notes, etc. It’s often the little things that can make a big difference in a marriage.

If the tension continues, you may find it helpful to seek professional guidance. Short term counseling can help the two of you develop tools to get past rough times such as those you are experiencing. Counseling is not a sign of serious problems, but of committed people who want to see their partnership last a lifetime.

We hope these suggestions will prove helpful to you.

We wish you much hatzlacha!

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