On the Importance of Asking Questions

By Bracha Rutner

A number of years ago a woman called me. She was scheduled to undergo IVF, in vitro fertilization, on Shabbat and wanted to know if this was permitted halachically. I told her that yes it was. But our conversation didn’t end there. I asked her what her circumstances were and she gave me the following explanation.

She and her husband had been trying for a number of years to conceive, but her period was very long and therefore she was missing the few days around ovulation when she could conceive. She and her husband had taken leaves of absence from their jobs, withdrawn their life savings, and come to the US for fertility treatments. 

I asked her what she meant by a long period. About five days of heavy bleeding and then spotting on and off for the next few weeks. She could never get her bedikot pristine white. She had never thought to ask about anything she saw because she remembered learning in her kallah classes that unless her bedikot where clear, they were not ok.

My heart broke as I was speaking to her. This woman thought she was in niddah for most of the month; she was unable to conceive as a result and who knows what her relationship was like with her husband? I asked her if she would be willing to postpone IVF and try to conceive naturally. She was a bit hesitant at first but then agreed. After bringing me her bedikah cloths for two months, she conceived on her own! Imagine all the heartache, time, and energy that could have been saved if only this woman had asked a question earlier.

In this case, the results of not asking a question were unusually severe. But more often than not, I find women who don’t ask are too strict on themselves, sometimes missing the opportunity to conceive or leading to tension between the couple. At other times, they are too lenient with themselves and risk violating a Torah prohibition that entails the serious penalty of karet.

Not every problem has an easy solution; a posek cannot just give a heter because he feels bad. However, it always makes sense to ask a question because Rabbis are sensitive to the needs of a couple, taking into account the halacha, their personal situation and extenuating circumstances.

Bracha Rutner is the Yoetzet Halacha for the Riverdale Jewish Center, NY and Kemp Mill Synagogue, Silver Spring, MD.