The Small Deeds of Great People

By Nathalie Loewenberg

The Times of Israel: The Blogs | March 1, 2016

Last week, the wife of Rav Neventzal, of the Old City of Jerusalem, passed away.

Yedidya Meir, a reporter for the weekly “BeSheva” newspaper who was acquainted with her from childhood, dedicated an article to her memory. Many stories were told, but one item mentioned by Yedidya Meir were the sentiments conveyed by Elyada, the Rabbanit’s son, in the name of Rabbi Haim Schmulewitz.

A simple but profound sentence: “A small person performs great deeds; a great person performs small ones.”

He goes on to explain that a person of small stature may at times be the one who initiates some great deed. This will advance him and put him in the limelight, until the power of his action dwindles and the person falls back into anonymity, or starts the whole process again by initiating some new great deed.

A great man (and in our case, a great woman) does not need to put himself in the limelight to show his value. His actions do not need to be grandiose. Rather, it is the uninterrupted flow of actions – which a priori appear to be small, even trivial, as they appear so natural – that builds up a person’s greatness.

With Rabbanit Neventzal, these actions were her hospitality, her engaging smile, the attention she gave to all, whether a child, an elderly person, or even a person whose mental stability seemed doubtful…

We are not Rabbanit Neventzal.

Yet this principle is applicable to each one of us.

As a yoetzet halakha, I often encounter the difficulties that couples grapple with during the niddah period. During this time, physical contact is prohibited, and certain additional restrictions apply to help avoid such contact. More than one woman has told me that she feels outcast, excluded, rejected. More than one couple hates this “cold” period.

Having to go, all at once, from a physical relationship to a platonic one is quite a challenge. And when it is perceived only as a challenge, this period may indeed become a source of tension and conflict, which will not necessarily be magically resolved on mikveh night…

This period should, however, be beneficial to us as a couple! Precisely because the physical aspect is set aside, it is possible to focus our thoughts, adjust our relationship and deepen it. And above all – and I maintain this despite the raised eyebrows – to strengthen our love.

A great person performs small deeds. A great couple too.

The tender note hidden in the backpack, coffee (or tea …) in bed, food that the spouse loves, or dishes that “washed themselves” … Each and every one of us, if we just put a bit of thought into it, can guess what might please the other, remind ourselves that we are not two people who happen to live under one roof (and perhaps share children too), but rather a couple with a strong emotional history.

It is these actions, these attentions, that transform our day-to-day life from mundane to special, that revive it and prevent us from getting lost in the daily routine. They are obviously not limited to the period of niddah, but it is during this period that they take on even more importance.

It is these actions, these attentions, that allow us, after a long day, to sit together and take the time to talk, to discuss an idea, and to get to know each other better, even after years of marriage.

It is these actions, these attentions, that keep the fire of our relationship alive, that will allow us, on mikveh night, to fulfill Rabbi Meir’s words in the Talmud: that on this night, the wife is as dear in the eyes of her husband as she was under the chuppah. That will enable our love to maintain its vitality.

… With the difference that with many years’ experience, and thanks to this uninterrupted flow of small deeds, this love is even deeper.

So tell me… what are your small deeds?

This article was originally published in French by Yoetzet Halakha Nathalie Loewenberg on the Times of Israel French Blog, 1 March 2016.