We are sorry to hear of the frustration you feel with this halacha. Keeping the laws of niddah can be quite challenging. Unfortunately there is no heter to disregard the halacha of passing items while niddah, even if it is causing you significant frustration.

The satisfaction that we get from doing mitzvot is not always a result of the emotional connection that we feel towards the mitzvah. It is possible to gain tremendous satisfaction from withstanding challenging situations to keep mitzvot that we find difficult and frustrating. We hope that you will find the strength within to overcome this challenge.

On a practical level, the difficulty with passing often gets better with time, practice and experience. If there are specific situations that keep coming up, it can be helpful to brainstorm ways of managing these situations gracefully and privately so you can prepare yourself for the next time they come up. For example, if you know in advance that passing will be necessary, you can try to do so at a time when there is a convenient table or chair on which the item can be placed.

We are concerned that you feel that niddah has to be a pervasive focus and negative force in your relationship. Niddah does not need to be constantly discussed, and menstruation does not need to be explicitly mentioned when gently reminding him of your halachic status. You may find it helpful to speak with your kallah teacher or a local rebbetzin to discuss your feelings about niddah. Alternatively, if you would like to discuss these issues with a yoetzet halacha in person, let us know where you live and we can see if there is one in your area.

Please feel free to get back to us with any further questions.

We wish you much hatzlacha!