Question:
Hello,
There’s a possibility my husband will have a reprieve (24 hours) from miluim either during my “period” (I’ve had a hormonal iud for about 2.5 months and this is the first time I’ve had a strong enough flow that I’m considering it a period) or more likely the 7 clean days.
Is there any room for leniency regarding the harchakot because of the war? For my mental health and feeling of security, I cannot imagine finally having him home and not being able to hug and hold him. I have faith that he and I will be able to make sure that we do not have sexual relations.
Answer:
Thank you for reaching out to us.
We appreciate the sensitive nature of this question and what it can mean to ask it.
These are very difficult times, and there is added complexity for husband and wife in finding common ground between the military front and the home front. Couples are challenged to broaden the range and depth of support that they can offer, including a listening ear, emotional comfort, and practical assistance. Hugs are one part of this bigger picture, and negotiating niddah at a time when touch seems so important brings its own challenges.
Generally speaking, sexually affectionate touch is prohibited to a couple even when they are certain that it will not lead to relations. According to Rambam and Shulchan Aruch, this is a Torah-level prohibition. Non-sexually-affectionate contact is prohibited rabbinically, even during wartime and even during the clean days.
As you point out, a hug can contribute to a sense of security and stability. On the other hand, for some couples, maintaining mutual commitment to standard halachic practice can provide its own sense of security and purpose, and finding the strength to refrain from contact can feel empowering.
It is hard for a couple reuniting in this intense situation to know exactly how they will feel and manage in the moment, to be certain that there would be no element of sexual affection in any contact, or to be sure of the consequences of a given course of action.
In cases of serious mental health issues, there is sometimes room for spouses to have non-sexually affectionate physical contact through clothing (i.e., no skin-to-skin contact). There is currently controversy over whether this type of contact could similarly be permitted in wartime, even when there are no acute mental health concerns, and Nishmat’s rabbis have a range of perspectives on the issue.
Rav Yaakov Warhaftig, a main Nishmat Posek in Israel, would permit such contact through clothing for soldiers on short leave who will be returning to dangerous positions on the front. He restricts this contact to outside the bedroom and to situations where the couple are not alone together.
Other Nishmat Rabbis in Israel and the US, including this site’s Rabbinic Supervisor, Rav Kenneth Auman, would not generally permit contact through clothing, even with these conditions. Rav Auman feels that it is legitimate for couples who usually consult with a halachic authority outside of Israel to turn to an Israeli authority with this type of question, because those in Israel have more direct understanding of the situation.
The proper course of action here depends on personal factors, and so our policy is to encourage couples in this situation to seek halachic and spiritual guidance. Key questions for a couple to ask themselves are what resources they can draw on to build their resilience and whether refraining from contact would lead to distress or anxiety that could negatively impact future functioning.
Sometimes a husband and wife might have different feelings about these issues. It’s important to make room for each spouse’s perspective to be heard.
If you’d like to follow up with a telephone consultation, please be in touch with contact information or call our telephone hotline.
We wish you strength, safety, and besorot tovot.
Please let us know if we can be of further assistance.
