Sexual relations are a central element of Jewish marriage. In talmudic times, it was assumed that a couple would have sexual relations within a few nights of getting married. Expectations that a couple will have sexual relations on their wedding night, or very soon thereafter, persist to this day.
At the same time, Halacha maintains that sexual relations should always be consensual and leaves room for a couple to take their time when it is important for their developing relationship. Additionally, there are potential costs to sexual relations taking place before both chatan and kallah feel ready. If one partner is nervous, hesitant, or fearful, or just feels that their body is not ready, then a couple should be patient and hold off on penetrative intercourse. Not waiting for both partners to be ready can be physically and emotionally hurtful.
Nowadays, there is growing awareness that male and female arousal play a pivotal role in making penetrative sexual relations comfortable for both partners. A feeling of intimate connection is conducive to arousal, and it can take time for this feeling to develop. Often, though not always, the man is sexually aroused before the woman, and the couple should keep this in mind.
Before the wedding, the couple can benefit from discussing their expectations regarding the timing of their first sexual encounter and their mutual hopes and hesitations. Each partner should try to understand and acknowledge each other’s perspectives and feelings.
While a couple can aim or even plan for specific timing, it is difficult to know in advance exactly when they will feel ready for intercourse, which might be sooner or later than planned. The wedding night in particular is often a time of physical and emotional exhaustion from the wedding and the planning leading up to it. Many couples collapse on entering their lodgings after the wedding, and find it impossible to try to have sexual relations just then, even when they initially planned to do so. Keeping this in mind, the couple can think through different possibilities for the wedding night.
Plans for the nights following the wedding may also change. Sometimes, working out the penetrative aspect of intercourse can take more time than expected. Alternatively, the couple may find themselves ready sooner that they had anticipated. Regardless, the couple should not put too much pressure on themselves, and try to be open to seeing where things lead.
