Each couple’s initial experience of marital relations is different. Penetration may be partial or complete, and hymenal bleeding may or may not occur.
The couple separate for dam betulim after first relations:
- If there was complete penetration, even if no blood was seen.
- If there was only partial penetration, but blood was seen.
There is a range of halachic opinion on how to proceed when there is partial penetration or doubt about the degree of penetration, and no blood was seen. Our site’s Rabbinic Supervisor, Rav Kenneth Auman, follows the view that a couple need not separate in these cases.
Some halachic authorities advise a couple to check for dam betulim, even just by examining the sheets or the kallah wiping externally. We follow the viewpoint that a couple need not look for hymenal bleeding. Some couples may nevertheless prefer to look, to help clarify if they need to separate.
If the couple are not sure of their status, they should consult a halachic authority. A couple should not deliberately engage in partial penetration in an effort to postpone observance of the decree of dam betulim.
Halacha encourages a couple to complete the first act of intercourse normally and unhurriedly, even if they suspect that dam betulim has already begun. Immediately after withdrawal, they separate and observe all the laws of niddah, with two exceptions.
- The chatan and kallah may sit or lie on each other’s beds—as long as they are not both on the same bed at the same time.
- Even a kallah whose custom is to wait five minimum days before starting to count the seven clean days waits only four. (If she gets her period before she begins her clean days, she needs to wait the usual minimum five days, starting the count from the day she became niddah from dam betulim.)
- For some kallot, shortening the minimum days may allow for immersion prior to their next period. In these situations, many Sefardi halachic authorities permit a kallah to clean semen out of the vaginal canal (as with a douche or wipes), to enable her to perform a hefsek taharah immediately without completing a minimum wait. A kallah who chooses to do this should be careful not to irritate the area, which could interfere with its healing.
If a kallah will be using hormones to regulate her cycle before the wedding, she can often plan for the separation of dam betulim to overlap with her menstrual period. See here for details.
Observing this halacha can be challenging, but may have some benefits. In many cases, it allows time for the hymen to heal. It can also be an opportunity for newlyweds to step back from the intensity of their initial sexual encounter to focus on the new emotional intimacy of their married life together.
We encourage couples to view this pause in physical intimacy as only a very brief phase within, God willing, a long and happy marriage.
