Mazal tov on your recent marriage!

The laws of niddah invite a couple to build their relationship in both physical and non-physical ways, and the period of physical separation and reunion on mikveh night can create excitement in a marriage. Nevertheless, these transitions also can prove difficult for many couples. Sometimes, couples have the expectation that you expressed, that mikveh will be special, and are surprised to find that observing harchakot during niddah fosters emotional distance that doesn’t automatically dissipate after mikveh for one or both spouses.

The first step to solving most problems that arise is to communicate. If husband and wife can share expectations, frustrations, and personal challenges, they are often able to find a solution together. Sometimes, just acknowledging the difficulty can make a difference.

If transitioning back to physical intimacy is difficult, you may be able to find ways to maintain your non-physical closeness and build communication skills during the niddah period that help ease the transition. You might spend time together in permissible ways (for example, going on a date) over the day or two prior to mikveh night, in order to build anticipation.

To make mikveh night special and help you reconnect, you may also find it helpful to plan a special evening together for when you return from the mikveh. Sexual relations are halachically encouraged on mikveh night. However, this can sometimes create pressure or stress, so it’s permissible for a couple to agree to spend the time reconnecting through touch or other intimate actions and see where things go, without necessarily having relations.

Building the intimate relationship and its halachic patterns takes time and requires patience and sensitivity. These halachot can prove challenging for anyone, and it is especially challenging when the members of the couple have different approaches to Halacha in general. In your case, your spouse is also grappling with unanticipated changes shortly before your wedding.

We recommend that the two of you seek ways to work together on these issues and to develop a framework for religious decision-making in areas that concern your relationship to each other. You may find it useful to learn more about these halachot together. You might also benefit from a conversation with an appropriate, understanding halachic professional, and possibly seek professional counseling. Seeking assistance is a sign of strength and commitment for a couple, not of failure.

Please contact us if we can be of further assistance or if you would like to speak with a Yoetzet Halacha. B’hatzlacha!

This response was updated on 20 November, 2022.