We are sorry to hear of your distress. We do not think you have cause to feel guilty. You are doing your best.

Generally, the calendar is kept based on the first day of flow and not based on spotting. We do think keeping a calendar might help simplify your situation, since the calendar determines on which days a bedikah should be performed. We do not recommend performing bedikot when not halachically required.

When you do have spotting on a bedikah, please consult with a rabbi, explaining your situation, prior to assuming that you are in niddah. We urge you to bring your bedikah to a rabbi now. So too, twenty-one days is a very long time to be in niddah. It is possible that you are considering yourself niddah before you have to and making your hefsek taharah later than required. We suggest you read the articles on staining on our site to review leniencies that might be of help to you. We also suggest that you bring any attempts at a hefsek taharah to a rabbi, since a hefsek taharah need not be totally clear.

Another measure that may be helpful would be to see your physician about your staining and changing cycle and to discuss different possibilities for addressing them. Your doctor should be aware that bleeding can significantly affect your quality of life even if it presents no medical problems. You may want to refer him or her to our physician-friendly explanations of the laws of Niddah in the section of our website designed for medical professionals, Jewish Women’s Health.

We hope that you will not hesitate to be back in touch with us with follow up questions.