It is difficult to address a kallah we do not know, but we will try and provide some guidelines from experience with different kallot. Hopefully some of the points will be relevant in dealing with your kallah.

1. The Crazy/Impossible issue:  It is important to stress that many happily married women (including yourself) keep these halachot and their relationships not only survive but thrive. This does not mean it’s easy to keep hilchot niddah. In fact, the reason there are so many boundaries set is that halacha is sensitive to the fact that it is difficult and unnatural for a couple to be apart. Therefore, a stringent set of laws was set to keep us far away from possible transgression of a very severe level.

It is also important to stress that, with life and experience, keeping hilchot niddah does get easier. A newlywed couple who is fascinated with their newfound physical relationship has more difficulty being apart. Even though the sexual relationship improves with time and experience, it also becomes a more natural and given part of life, as does the period the couple spend apart. Most couples eventually find their own way to deal with the separation period to ease the tension: some try to keep busier with work so that they could be available for spending more time together when not niddah, some spend more social and family time and go out in the evenings to alleviate tension of being home and yearning for each other, etc. She and her husband will devise their own system, and it does get more natural with time.

2. Reasons behind mitzvot: Though sometimes the reasons given to mitzvot are true to the nature of the mitzvah, they are not the reason we keep halacha. Mitzvot are binding because we were commanded by Hashem to keep them. Some kallot appreciate trying to give spiritual reasoning so that the mitzvot could be more significant to them. Others might find this process problematic, since the reasons given do not always ring true to them, and can sometimes easily be disproved (i.e., why does a pregnant or menopausal woman not need to separate from her husband in order to rekindle their love?). Though ideally it would be nice if everyone related to and loved mitzvot, there is no obligation to relate to mitzvot, only to keep them. It sounds like with this kallah some empathy and understanding might be sufficient. Don’t try to get her to keep the mitzvot because they are beautiful, but rather because she will know she is doing the right thing in following the will of Hashem and the Jewish tradition of her family and community. Stress also that when mitzvot are difficult to do, we are rewarded even more for keeping them. Taking on the important mitzvah of Taharat HaMishpachah is a significant undertaking that signifies her commitment to Torah and mitzvot, but again, she does not need to relate to it or like it.

3. Regarding fear of intimacy, it is important to address this issue with sensitivity and understanding, and stress that many kallot find intimacy intimidating since it is new to them. Detailed explanations often make the surreal idea of intercourse more tangible. We strongly recommend meeting with a therapist on a one time basis before the wedding to address these fears, not because she is necessarily in need of therapy, but because a professional might be easier to talk to about what is really bothering her.

We recommend your kallah check out our pages with a variety of worthwhile books and resources. She can also check out our articles for kallot, in which she can learn more about what is ahead.

We wish you best of luck, and suggest you refer the kallah to our hotline as well as our website's "Ask a Yoetzet" service.

B'hatzlacha!