Many factors go into a woman's decision about covering her hair. Some are emotional, others communal, and others halachic. If we follow what you write, you don't feel that how you are covering your hair is consistent with your emotional orientation or with your community's practice. What remains, however, is the important question of halachic obligation.

From what you write, it seems that when you first married you left halachic decision-making to your husband and, later, to your community. The question is, how do you make halachic decisions now?

Halacha obligates married Jewish women to cover their hair. There is, however, a range of opinions on how much hair need be covered and how. In line with your desire to do things for yourself, we urge you to inform yourself about this halacha and the many different ways of adhering to it. Find a teacher. Read the book "Hide & Seek" (edited by Lynne Schreiber, available from www.urimpublications.com). Work on finding your own "right way" without abandoning this mitzvah.