How can we help women and their families suffering from HG?
First, it’s important to note that although there is indeed a minhag in some communities not to reveal a pregnancy in the first trimester because of ayin hara (evil eye), this is not a halachic psak. A woman suffering from HG can and should reveal her pregnancy if it means getting help or a more understanding employer. (As a side point, some couples prefer not to share their pregnancy in its early stages lest they miscarry. However, normalizing earlier sharing can help break the taboo on speaking about miscarriage, so that women who miscarry can more easily share their experience and receive the support they need).
Practical support, such as volunteering to watch kids, fold laundry, or make meals, can be a huge help. Stress can make already existing nausea even worse, and women with HG should not be embarrassed to ask for or receive help; they should be encouraged to focus on caring for themselves as much as possible. They should not feel guilty if, for a few months, their house is a mess and their kids are cared for by babysitters or eat more junk food than they’d like.
Practical help for a couple dealing with HG can also free up the father to spend time with the children; his presence alone can be calming to them.
Specific offers of help, such as, “I’m going to town later today, can I pick anything up for you?” or, “Would it help for me to pick up your daughter from preschool today?” may be easier to accept than general questions such as “What can I help you with?” (although that’s good, too!).
Emotional support is also critical. A listening ear and sympathy can go a long way. Support groups, including those online, can help women suffering with HG feel less alone and receive advice from others with similar experiences.
Sensitivity is key. Examples of inappropriate questions or comments are: “do you think you’ll have another kid after this?”, “maybe you should wait a few years after this one,” or, “next time plan it so you don’t get pregnant during summer vacation when the kids are off school.” If a woman suffering from HG states that she doesn’t want to have kids ever again, the listener’s job is to be accepting and supporting in her time of need, not to have a logical debate with her.
Some women may be distraught because they always imagined a large family and are now torn between conflicting emotions of still wanting to fulfill that dream and feeling they will be unable to cope. A good response to such a situation may be: “Don’t worry about that right now. Right now, you need to just focus on yourself and getting through this. You don’t need to decide how many children you’re going to have at this moment; there’s a reason Hashem gives us children one at a time.”
When offering support, it’s important to be sensitive to the woman’s personal needs. For some women, being reminded that this is all for a good cause will help them through the difficult process. For others, it will not. Although it’s easy for an onlooker to think, “This, too, shall pass,” saying that to a person who has months of severe nausea, fatigue, and vomiting ahead of her may be torture. Perhaps it would be more helpful to try something more along the lines of, “One day at a time, one hour at a time, and I’m here to help any way I can.”
