It’s normal to be surprised by how challenging marriage can feel, even in loving relationships. Marriage takes work and investment. Our communities often focus on the challenge of getting married, but being married brings its own set of challenges. The tension between self and togetherness sits at the heart of many marital struggles. The Torah describes Chava as Adam’s “ezer kenegdo”—a “helpmate opposite him”—capturing the reality that even the most supportive marriages include conflict.
Even when a couple shares many values, no two individuals agree all the time. This is part of being human, not a sign of failure. Learning how to maintain individuality while staying connected is a lifelong process, shaped through trial and error.
Marriage is a place where we hope to be our real selves, which means not always being at our best. To be truly known, we eventually reveal parts of ourselves that are tender, imperfect, or difficult. We also bring into marriage our histories, habits, communication styles, fears, and dreams—shaped long before the marriage began—and sometimes these collide in painful ways.
Entering marriage aware that differences are real and that conflict is inevitable can help set more realistic expectations. When we expect moments of discomfort, we’re less unsettled when they arise. By contrast, when we assume marriage should feel easy all the time, tension can feel alarming or discouraging.
People also respond differently to stress. Some of us withdraw, often out of fear or feeling overwhelmed, while others seek closeness with equal urgency. A lack of understanding of a partner’s stress response can deepen conflict. Making room for each partner’s way of coping can reduce tension and support reconnection.
Couples also vary in how they seek closeness and express love. Recognizing and respecting these differences can support intimacy—both emotional and physical—and can be especially valuable for a couple navigating niddah, during which physical affection is prohibited.
How we approach conflict itself matters. In Avot de-Rabbi Natan (A 28), Rabbi Shimon ben Gamliel teaches:
Whoever makes peace within his home…is as though he makes peace among all Israel. And whoever foments jealousy and competition within his home is as though he foments jealousy and competition in Israel.
Rabbi Shimon acknowledges marriage’s potential for both harmony and discord, and encourages us to consciously foster peace.
Psychological research sheds light on what behaviors tend to erode or enhance connection. Marriage researcher John Gottman identifies four behaviors within a relationship that can signal trouble: contempt, criticism, defensiveness, and stonewalling (withdrawal). Tools for addressing these include approaching each other gently even in conflict, building a culture of appreciation, taking responsibility when possible, and finding ways to soothe ourselves when overwhelming anxiety tempts us to shut down.
A first step in soothing ourselves is simply pausing and taking a breath. This can reduce tension enough to help partners see each other again, rather than getting blinded by the conflict.
