These are good questions and they are discussed in halachic literature.
The halachah of
not pouring wine for a spouse is in effect regardless of intent.
The concept of
kavod habriyot, human dignity, sometimes allows for halachic leniency in order to spare public embarrassment. So if it is impossible to avoid pouring for each other without severe embarrassment, one could make an argument for allowing it so long as the couple
avoids touching.
However, based on our own experiences, we think it is not too embarrassing to casually ask someone else to pour. The custom is for someone else to pour at the seder, not specifically for the spouse to do so. Most people are busy getting their own cups filled anyway and will not notice. Additionally, in religious circles, people are aware that couples observe
niddah. We find it no more embarrassing for someone to notice the couple is observing
harchakot than for someone to notice the couple is not observing
harchakot. That is what our advice was based on.
